TODAY

I have a meeting for Garrett this morning at the local elementary school he will be going to next year. I am trying hard to stay focused and not freak out.

Yesterday I ended up with a migraine headache from the stress. Today I have cleaned the entire house and organized the freezer and sterilized it.

I have an hour and twenty minutes and I am a nervous wreck.

WHY?

Because today determines whether or not he gets services for next year for his learning disabilities.

Today determines if I can breathe a little easier knowing he will be taken care of as my heart dies when I tell him he has to leave all his friends.

Today I have to tell people all the frustrations we deal with and those things have to be more important than what an amazing child he is.

Today I have to not show emotion and speak calmly, while they stare at his school performance and ask me hard questions about my little baby boy.

Today I have less than an hour to make them understand that every day of my life I am killing myself to make him successful and if they take away services, then he will struggle, because I can only do so much and I am only one person and they are many.

Today I have to separate my feelings, emotions and undying love for him and look at him from their perspective.

Today I will understand more fully the new life we have to live...not the one I have grown to live and am comfortable with, but a life that is very different.

Today I have cried tears of fear and anger and frustration and love and exhaustion.

Today I need them to feel in their hearts what an amazing child he is and how much these services will help.

Today I have to restrain myself from throwing myself on the floor and clinging to their legs, begging them to understand.

Today I have to keep telling myself it will be ok, even if it doesn't turn out the way I need it to.

BUT...

I am bringing a picture of Garrett.

A child they have never met.

A child they are already discussing without ever looking into his amazing green eyes and seeing into his soul.

I am confident about the people I have asked to come.

They are people who know him and love him and can speak without emotion.

I will have my husbands hand to hold if I cannot say the words in my heart.

Because I know, the first words that come out of my mouth will bring tears.

Sigh.....