Terror in a Mother's Heart

Tonight I was planning on posting the Christmas pictures, but we had a little incident......we lost Xander. I know, I know, I know! He's twelve, wears a size 9.5 shoe, has a deep voice and towers over me now, but we managed to lose him....or actually, he got lost.

Everyone has been dying for it to snow and this afternoon, we got enough coming down that the kids wanted to go out an play in it for awhile. After a while, Garrett and Eleanor come in with Xander and he tells me he wants to stay out and play. I told him that was fine. Well, at dinnertime, he wasn't inside. Jason was leaving to go home teaching, so I told him to go get him. He wasn't outside. He wasn't inside. His boots weren't in the garage which meant he was outside somewhere. I told Jason to go ahead and sit down to eat. The other day, Xander took a walk around the pond in the snow and I figured that's where he'd gone. The problem is, is that while we were eating, it started to get dark and he wasn't coming home. So Jason went out in his car to find him. After he'd been gone for about 15 minutes without any luck, I decided to go look where you couldn't see him from the road.

I am usually a pretty calm person about stuff like this and Xander is a very responsible child. But, I started getting the panicky terror feeling when we still couldn't find him after another half an hour. Silent prayers became pleadings and the tears started to fall. I was terrified, not to mention freezing (it's about 20 degrees tonight) and worried about Xander who'd been out for about three and a half hours by now.

It was beautiful outside and the earth was so white. Everything was so quiet, except for my calling his name every few minutes. I wasn't sure what to think. I kept telling myself not to worry, that he was a big boy, that he would be fine, but as the minutes ticked by and I was feeling the chill to my bones, I was starting to get a terror chill in my heart.

Right about the time I was ready to go home and call the police, Jason called and told me Xander showed up. He'd gone for a walk and gotten lost and couldn't redirect himself in the snow without seeing landmarks and then it got dark, but had finally managed to find his way back.

I said a silent prayer and started through the woods to home. I started thinking about this incident. I only have six years left with him at home. Pretty much everything I can teach him is done. He's at the age, where peers and outside influences are getting more powerful than my words. I can still influence him in some things, but he is very independent and can make most decisions on his own now.

The fact that he towers over me and his voice changed literally overnight just makes me more aware that I am starting the process of letting go - - - - and it really makes my heart ache.

I couldn't ask for a better son. He's responsible, smart, handsome, compassionate and helps out with his siblings all the time. He is so talented on the flute and loves to learn and read. He's well-liked in school and is fun to be around. I like him. Like my dad always says, "you always love your children, but it's really nice when you LIKE them too!"

Anyway, he turned twelve last month and I never posted his birthday party pictures. I let him invite several of his closest friends over for some homemade pizza, games, etc. We had so much fun!
On a side note, we have the best babysitter...her name is Emily. She came to his party! She came to Eleanor's and Savannah's too. She is just plain C.O.O.L! She's a hockey player - one of the best women players in the US, editor of the school newspaper, 4.7 GPA and just got nominees to West Point, the Naval Academy and Penn State. Yeah, and she's BEAUTIFUL and funny and doesn't take Eleanor's crap - which is the real reason I love her!

So, not the best picture of her, but she is just too cool not to mention! So, I had a great spread for the kids to munch on before the pizza. They didn't touch it! Maybe a nibble. But, when the pizza came out, it was all over! The pizza couldn't cool fast enough. Oh, well! Next time I will know better!
That's ok! I ate the munchies food. I even splurged on strawberries, so we couldn't let that go to waist! I mean, waste!We had the kids decorate their own cupcakes - huge hit! They loved that! The more sugar you can pile on, the better, eh?

We also had the kids design their own shirts. I used freezer paper for them to make their stencil. They also loved that too, but there were too many shirts. Next time, that will be for a smaller or outside group. I was cleaning up fabric paint for weeks!
The shirts, however, were so stinking cute! Some of them really did a great job!

Some of them required a lot of help also, but in the end, they were all happy and they all looked so cute and Xander wears his shirt all the time, so I guess it was worth it!!!
It was a great party and everyone had fun. We've even had requests for another party like that where they can just hang out...if I just had a bigger house with a basement....oh, well! Xander had a blast and that's the most important thing!
And so, my little wake up call this evening was really good. After we were all calm, we watched the new Joseph Smith movie on the DVD Gramma Annie sent us for Christmas. As we watched Joseph ride his horse away to Carthage and see all the people he loved for the last time, we were all in tears. I watched my twelve year old son wipe tears from his eye and I realized that I must have done something right for him to be able to feel the spirit at that moment.

I hope Xander knows how much I love him. I hope he knows how blessed I feel to be his mom and I hope he knows how amazingly blessed I feel tonight to have another night with him! I love you, Xander! Thank you for being an amazing son!